Grey skies, warm beds and good books!

Oh and don't forget a nice cup of cocoa to keep you warm. Isn't it crazy how quickly things can change? For example, last week it was all or nothing with regards the course for the children. Now however, I really don't have any regrets that it didn't happen. The weather is horrid and cold and wet and the skies are grey and the wind is up and kicking ass and, and, and, well the list of reasons why I am glad is endless and my disappointment was only short lived. (does anybody else have a problem with the spelling of disappointment? I always try to spell it with two ss. Stupid, isn't it?)

Sun, sun and more sun! Keep it coming.

The weather has really been lovely again this week. Yesterday we got stuck into the garden and did a bit of mowing and other clearing and sorting out. For a while it looked like the children's course would actually be taking place, but at the moment we have only 4 definite attendees and that is not enough to make it worth our while running the course. In truth we need at least 10 and would prefer 12 students to make it a valid financial proposition.

Surprise, suprise, suprise.

I was beginning to think that nothing was going right for me and then out of the blue I get this phone call from Raul to ask if I would like to do a small concert at Lullerheim and this time I would be paid money for doing it. Wow, what a lovely surprise. Thanks guys, that has done wonders for my self confidence.

Now I can get down to doing some preparation for the concert. All of Leonard Cohens songs are a must and I particularly want to sing my own songs.

Children, children, children!

I have just returned from my first day with the children in Erle. I must say that it has been a real eye opener for me. I was shocked that the children of today don't have an ounce of respect for their elders and their behaviour is, on the whole deplorable. Naturally, most of the children were lovely and polite but the way in which the children run riot has rather shocked me.

None the less, it was fun and I did enjoy myself. I think that as much as anything it is a question of understanding that I am not going to be teaching there, more just playing with the children while using my own language.

Two of the children, boys as a matter of fact, were really difficult to get on with. One spent two thirds of the time hitting other children and generally causing trouble or making noise. I find the whole school system to be a disaster and the biggest mistake we ever made was in dropping the are of good discipline in schools.

Well I'm still here, but definitely feeling strange

Ok, so I lived. He, he, he! Still, it is strange because I woke this morning with a very funny feeling and still had the pain in my left chest. Even stranger is that having got up, it went away. I am at work now and while I do still feel weird and very tired, it could well be nothing all that serious. Do I really have to go to the doctors. I hate that. I think we will just wait and see what happens.

Time for bed tomorrow I could be dead

It's really funny but after such a wonderful weekend it is perhaps strange to think such thoughts, but I am going to write them down none the less if only for posterity's sake. I've had lovely day and the meal at Beate's was great fun and very tasty. Shortly before I came home I started to get a strange pain in my left upper chest. Of course one thinks straight away about what it might be. It is certainly getting worse and not better but it makes you think doesn't it? What if I am building up for a heart attack? I have just visited the toilet and the thought crossed my mind. I would be terrible sad to leave my friends behind and very unhappy to no longer see my family but then you came to the thought, well what happens when we die? What happens to our spirit or our soul? Does anyone have the answer? If so, please let me know as I would love to be sure. Ok, just joking. But what strange thought to have don't you think?

The pain is stabbing and now my left arm is starting to feel funny. If I die tonight, how strange these words will seem to whoever reads them. Hey if you knew you were going to be dead tomorrow and it was already nearly eleven o'clock at night, what would you do?

If I died during the night would I have regrets? You bet! But what should I do? I have lived my life to the best of my ability and done everything I can to make sure that I have lived a fair and just life. I have tried my best not to hurt anybody and if I have indeed managed to do that, then I can only say that it wasn't on purpose. I am after all only human and to err is indeed human.

Well, here goes. I'm off to bed, tomorrow I could be dead.

Home Alone on Friday Night

Tonight sees the end of a most splendid week. The bank balance is going down (still negative but we're getting there), my health (apart from my eyes) is getting better and my state of mind has vastly improved. I guess you don't want to admit it when its all around you, but I can see now that the move really has taken its toll on me this time.

The whole upset of moving is such a pain in the **** and I'm just so glad that it is finally over. At the new house I have so much potential. Last Sunday I concentrated on the garden and this week I want to have a lazy, lazy weekend. I did actually promise Rita Gauert that I would go to see her in the new production but I really do have to have some time for me this weekend. On Sunday, Beate and I are going to meet to do our first meal for the cookbook.

Yesterday - all my troubles seemed so far away

Or at least that is what we would like to think. The we is of course the royal we. Any way, today is a real autumnal day with grey blanketing skies and a stillness normally reserved for the dead of winter. I slept badly last night and woke this morning with a feeling of dread. My life feels a little vacuous at the moment and I am not all that sure why. Yesterday, I went Blogging through the world of Blogger and came across some very interesting stuff. I think I will start logging them here so that my readers can share them.

The 5th December 2000

Don't eat Smarties before going to bed. In fact, don't eat Smarties at all! What the hell is in them? I haven't had such a bad night for years. Be warned!!!

More nonesense

Trees, fields, rivers, mushrooms and windy days
Elven glades and goblin caves
A winding brook aspiring to be a stream
A minnow dreams of brother bream

Days spent in calm repose
A moment lost to a silly prose
A painful heel to hold me back
A light switch to make it black

A list of words to lay in rhyme
A rhyme to rhyme in time with rhyme
A feeling that holds me down
A storm is coming to this sorry clown

A tune to sing, to hold and hum
A reflected smile so dull, so glum
A meadow decked in blue
A photo of me and you

A pullover that holds your scent
A hardened word that I never meant
A sense of loss of things gone by
A solitary cloud in a cloudless sky

A dream of better days to come
A line of chords such fun to strum
A melody of dancing notes
like bubbling water neath a speeding-boat

A pillar of smoke in a sullen vale
A dress of silk, so sheer, so pale
A curve, a line, a rounded form
Guides me through this endless storm

Plants green and flowerless fill the room
My constant companions, the endless tunes
The thoughts that threaten with undertow
The thoughts that no one can ever know

The night is full and darkened ink
That dreaded moon that makes me think
That silent spider spinning thread
That hangs outside like silken dread

An ode to tiredness

I am tired and getting more tired by the minute.
A half crescent moon is slinking low in the sky
A shiny silver white star accompanies her
The dogs are barking into the distance
Sleep is beckoning me to bed
I am tired and getting more tired by the minute.

The day was long and much was done
I've done my work and earned my crust
And still that luminous orb beckons
behind the ancient twisted oak
Autumn days are here again
dressed in browning leaves and ripening fruits
the storks are striding south and the days no longer stretch
I am tired and getting more tired by the minute.

Guess what is going on

It is growing dark and the sky is falling down
I am seeing as it is supposed to be
and see you the slipping crown?

Oops autumn is on the way.

I only want to say this really quietly, but have you noticed how autumn is approaching stealthily? The long summer days are over and its getting dark incredibly early. Last night, after a really long day's work (15hours) I came home and in the car on the way home I noticed that the thermometer was showing some 21.5°. At that was at 10:00pm. As I got home the dogs wanted to go for a walk and so I took them a little way along the lane. It was an eerie still and very dark night. There is no moon about at the moment and as we walked along the deserted lane there were only the crickets to keep us company. We didn't go far, in fact we only went to the small copse at the end of the lane and then we turned back. I was incredibly tired and in a very strange mood. I came into the house but nobody seemed to want to talk to me so I decided to go to bed. No sooner had I climbed into my wonderfully welcoming bed than the heavens opened up and the rain was lashing down like the devil! It was really exciting lying in the bed and hearing the wild wind and rain as they battled for my attention, and to think that I had nearly been caught in that dreadful storm. Amazing, don't you think.

I slept (to the dulcet tones and timbre of the quietly playing radio) and woke this morning to hear them talking about of all things damsons. Ah, that's how it is in my life. Always interesting if nothing else.